Monday, April 19, 2010

Oh My another update...

      I realized how much I have been missing in the Blog World. I can't believe that the last post I posted was a month ago. Although it really doesn't surprise me. I am sitting here at work with some free time that I should be spending on doing school work. Instead I am writing a blog, but I think it needs to be done. There are so many things I need to say, so many things I need to release.

     First for some good stuff. My last post I was at 285 or so pounds. I am now down to 272 lbs. I am very happy I am continuing to move forward in this, even though I have my weeks when I may fall short of loss and instead gain.
     Secondly, I have officially found and be accepted for an internship at Grace Assembly of God in Spring City, PA. I will be serving under an awesome team of Pastors and Leaders and I am very excited to know that these people are not just fun to work with, but they love and care for me enough to put me through the wringer and love on me when I am in need.

     As for the not so great stuff. I have been dealing with one of the most strongest depressions I have ever gone through in my life. I am by no means suicidal, thanks be to God. But I am struggling in my every day life with all aspects of life. I do not want to get up for class, chapel, work, and in most cases I don't even want to get up to have fun and hang out with my friends. This part has been extremely difficult for me. I have all but stopped my progress here at school. I may know I need to push forward, and to not sound cynical or even be funny, but to use a statement from the school, "press on, forge ahead." I am just at a stand still. I am passing 4 out of 6 of my courses, and the 2 that I am failing right now are the 2 classes that I should be able to pass with little to effort.
     I know that it is time that I seek some professional help, and the school now offers that for free, so I am trying to set up a time to see this professional. I am hoping that my professors can understand and give me some grace in my studies area. I know God is the only thing holding me upright at this point, and I can say with certainty that it is a good and bad place to be in. I know that my faith in God and more specifically HIS faithfulness has been what has kept me going through this time.
     If I can pass these classes I will officially be a senior next semester. I still have 40 credits to go, and am praying that I will be able to take 9 extra online credits this summer to help subsidize my ability to graduate in the spring of 2011. Either way, it will be my last year of college next year. The government has made it very clear that I will have reached the maximum amount of funding from loans I can accrue. So... Please keep this in prayer for me.

     To try and bring some good new in at the end; I have paid off my car loan, I am working on paying off my credit cards right now (close to being done,) and was layed off from the school security department and given a promotion by my company and am now the Head of Security at Department of Health in my area.

Thanks for "listening" umm... er... reading. I will ttyl.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Just a random update

I haven't been on in forever, and just to let you all know I started going to Weight Watchers in November when I hit 307lbs. At that point I needed to do something. I am glad I did something about it. I am now at 285.8lbs. When I get a chance I will try to update more shortly.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Weekend Update

     I was at a Leadership conference this weekend with some Youth Ministry friends in Virginia. We had the chance to spend some awesome times ministering to each other, having the Word spoken into our lives, some great speakers speak into our lives, and the opportunities to put aside our issues, failures, our flesh to see into how God looks at us. It was such a great time, and blessing.

     Funny enough the thing that stands out most during my time at this conference this weekend isn't all the speakers, or the great worship music; it was the picture that John May and his staff gave to us about Jesus writing in the sand. The imagery that as you write in the sand, say at a beach, whatever you write eventually is wiped clean. This may happen by your own hand, the water, or the beach combers that go down the beach. But either way, that which you drew or wrote is gone, it has been wiped away. We had the opportunity to do such a thing at the conference during an alter like time. There were some trays with sand in them, and we were able to write whatever we felt needed to be in our lives or removed from our lives in that sand. After writing in that sand, praying over what I wrote and then wiping it clean it just was so freeing.

     See I have learned over the past few years of going to retreats, conventions, and alike to go in with an open heart, but to go in reminding myself to not allow my self to be driven by emotion while I am there and when I leave. It is that hype and/or emotional/spiritual high that can destroy us in our pursuit for what is truly important, that is our walk and pursuit after God. I can say I had a great time, and yes I might have had to play a leadership role in some ways while I was there, I also was able to be free to be the individual I am. I can pray that as I go over the 5 hours of Video I recorded, and analyze that video I can be filled with more wisdom, a softer heart for the information presented, and life that will change for the betterment of His kingdom.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Reminicing about the days of old.

     As I sat at work last night watching the sun set on the first official day of summer I couldn't help but remember what life was like just a few years ago. Okay, may more than just a few years ago, but never the less I was still in a mode of nostalgia.

     As the sun proceeded to set and the clouds had mostly faded away I started to reminisce about the days when a group of friends and I used to sit outside of our church and hang out on these types of nights. We would talk, play and sing acoustic worship music, lay down enjoying the sun, the stars, satellites, shooting stars, and the clouds. Of course we would also have water fights, play volley ball, go to friendly's, other ice cream shops like Meola's and the movies on occasion. Here are some pictures of my most favorite moments and people (not all are from the summer but they area all people I used to do these types of things with.)

I miss those days. We have all grown so much apart, and have lost that enjoyment of the simple things in life.

[Thanks to those of you who had some of these pictures
that I requisitioned from your facebook pages... hehehe]

Monday, June 15, 2009

Its been awhile

      So... its been a while since I last updated anyone on how things are going in my life. My life has been well... full... I have a job that I like and hate at the same time. I like working at the place(s) that I work, I just hate the shifts that I have to work.

     School this last semester was extremely difficult for me. Not because I couldn't hack the work, or even because it was just too much to do, but more or less because of where my life had been heading. I will get to that in a minute though... I had lost all desire to do much of anything. I didn't care about my school work, or the books I needed to read. The only fun I really had at school was being in Dr. Dippold's "spiritual gifts" class. It was pretty much the only class that was actually engaging me to think or use my brain, and what little intellect I had left. I just had lost the willpower to be here, to do anything.

     I separated myself from the ministries I was involved in and took a period of time off from anything that had to do with ministry; which is somewhat difficult when some of the service learning projects required for class were ministry services. I honestly missed my "kids," a.k.a. the youth group I was involved with, but I realized that last influence they needed in their life was someone who was basically bad mouthing God, or pretending to be a follower of Him. I just couldn't allow my self to... well read this passage and I think you'll understand...
5 "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, 6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 "Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!

Matthew 18:5-7

In otherwords, or even meaning, I couldn't be a hypocrite.

     I could not deny that God was indeed "The God," the one and only. But rather that I was having difficulty believing that he did indeed care, and that he did indeed watch each and every one of us. I am not going to get into a big theological debate of this, and I am not, at this moment anyways, going to mention how this part of my life changed, but things did indeed change. I am trying to press on toward God. This is difficult when you still have no drive to go forward in anything, but I am still trying, and pushing forward. I am back at youth group, and trying to get my bearings right before I run full steam ahead, but it is still progress. As we all know too well, we will all be works in progress until the day comes when we are with Christ in heaven.

     For those of you have been praying, loving, caring, and stuck with me I thank you! Unfortunately there are those that left our friendship in the dust because of where I was. I now have no doubt that this is why some people do not return to Christ, they do not see love, but hate, whether it be for the sin or the sinner. I have no doubt that some thought it was best, but I also have 100% belief that we put too much focus on hating the sin that we forget to love the sinner. I would implore those that feel it is better to remove someone from your life because they are sinners to remember where Jesus sat, ate, and drank.

     Again, I know people may want to get into a big theological debate over some of the last statements, but until you have lived on each sides of those statement you will never know.

     I love you all, and I truly do. But that does not mean that I am not hurt. It will take time to heal, and until then, please understand.

     For what has happened recently, I passed this last semester by the skin of my teeth with C's all around. I am still living on campus even during the summer, and never have weekends off, so yeah, that stinks! I have no extra money and can't afford a vacation. But I am still trucking, and I moved an entire apt down, its smaller, but its mine. So now that the boring things are out of the way I am going to attach some pics of my living room and kitchen, and a couple picture of my recently shaved head (June 10th,) which by the way is already growing back quite steadily.

Oh and this first picture will be what my door looked like before I moved...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Prayer Request

     So things have been rocky in my life, and I am I still in a Valley, but thanks to a friend that I wasn't sure could have said anything to help me understand what I was dealing with, I am a step closer to understanding that I don't understand.

     Ok I'll try to explain... God's love is such a different thing for me. It is something I don't understand enough. The love I got when I was growing up was not bad, wrong, or even non-existent, it was just the best my parents could manage after having 4 other kids and barely making it by in their finances, relationship, and work. So I do not blame them for where I am or how I am feeling, but I don't understand God's love the way others do. Other people feel God's love and know it is Him, I see God's love but don't understand it, I don't know how to feel it or even recognize it. Basically it is there, but I have no clue what it even looks like. Honestly I am not sure how to even know what it looks like, how to feel it, or how to accept it. I think this is where the transparency in my life is.

So what I am asking is that my friends would keep me in prayer for this.
Also for the fact that I have no motivation for life or school, and I am currently failing every class that I am in. (Don't worry I am not suicidal or anything, just lacking the necessary motivation to push forward.)

Thank You to the friend who helped me see this area of my life that I need help in.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Focus on...

     So here is the deal... I wasn't sure what to write. My original endeavor for this blog was to make sure I gave thanks and praise to God for all the things He has done in my life, no matter how small, or insignificant it feels.

     But I have to be honest and somewhat open. I will not reveal all of what I am going through but to suffice it to say that the faith I have right now is almost non-existent. I know I have some good friends out there who try to keep up with what is going on in their friends lives. So I guess I would implore those of you who do that to just pray. Pray for me, for my situation, even though you don't know what it may be.

     I will say this, I still believe God is real, and that He does indeed exist. I will say this too, I do love all of my friends, family, and youth, but this is a time in my life when I am probably at my lowest.

     I ask that if you leave a comment, a message, or a word of encouragement that you would not tell me to "dig into the Word," or "pray." I am tired of the Cookie Cutter Christian responses and answers, and chances are if you leave one like that I will probably just delete it.

     I am not mad at anyone, and please do not try to contact me to council me or find out what is wrong. I am at a place where it would just annoy me and possibly cause me to become more secluded from people. You may not hear from me on this blog for a while, and if you do then 1 of 2 things are probably going on. 1) I need help, prayer, etc... or 2) I am doing a lot better and coming out of the pit.

     Finally, Please respect what I have asked in this message, and know that I still care for, appreciate, and love you all.